I'm hurting right now, it's a pain nothing can ease, paracetamol, tea, mum. None of them have worked. I can't eat, I'm having nightmares. My blood pressure is low, I'm dizzy and I can feel my heart beating when I lay in the bath, still and numb. The water is cold when I realise someone's knocking on the door. I hate my phone, I hate the internet. They're both resources of torture. Every buzz, beep and notification is a disappointment. It isn't him. Why doesn't he want me? I never wanted anything more than just him. No demands. I sometimes forget, never for more than a few seconds. My heart drops and I shake, I cry, I sigh. My heart tells me to go to him, just to see him, hear him. Then my head stops me, it'll hurt you, it's not what you want to hear. I can't accept it because he's lay next to me, his breathing shallow, his arm firmly under me, legs tucked in to mine. What I would give to go to sleep tonight that way. Instead I'll pass out, wake up in a sweat every hour, my hair moist and my eyes wide. There I'll lay, playing the words over and over through my head, tears sliding down my cheek. No missed calls. I just want the pain to go.
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