Empty.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to be phoning Universities to get on a course. I'm hoping for Media and Popular Culture at Leeds Met. I just want to do something Cultural/Social. Yeah, that's right I changed my mind again. I don't want to be a Journalist. My aim is to study something that will hold my interest so I last the whole 3 years and get that bit of paper. I have no idea what I want to be or what I want to do. Avoiding real life is good enough for now.

Everything has hit the deck as far as I'm concerned. I don't have the capacity to do much other than get out of bed, dress, go to work/get back in bed, come home, bed. I'm functioning, just. I don't want to be like this. All I ever wanted was to be happy, stable, content. I thought things were going to come together, but once again I'm incapable. I am alone. I am numb.

It's my 20th birthday on Friday. It doesn't mean anything to me. How could I ever have expected for it to be a birthday without something going wrong at the same time? For each year, I can tell you something that has happened, always something bad. Here we are again. Sometimes, a lot of the time, I wish I didn't wake up on a morning. I am hurting constantly. Nothing in the future excites me. Doing menial tasks is a chore, an ordeal.

"I've got this store-bought way of saying I'm okay, and you've learned how to cry in total silence"